The Construction Principle

It has long been the position of ours that how clients speak is indicative of their inner emotions, and a guide to how they act. If they speak negatively or in disparaging terms of themselves or their situation, they frequently take actions that bring the emotion to reality. Their negative experiences "prove" themselves right and thus confirm that they have an accurate sense of reality.

The Social Construction Principle says that the way we use language, both verbal and non verbal, powerfully shapes our perceptions of our environment and how we interact with it. It says that language and how we use it, influences everything from our relationships and social interactions to decision making about careers and how we use and feel about money. As David Cooperrider, the founder of Appreciative Inquiry put it, "Words create worlds."

As we do life planning, it is useful to note the background and biases that our clients bring to the financial planning process. It is frequent that people who are raised in households of abuse, scarcity, and addiction experience very difficult relationships with money. It is manifested in ways that they speak of their situation and the reality they have created for themselves. They exhibit what I christened in a recent presentation, signs of "toxic language". These are words or phrases that come laden with hidden meaning. Most commonly, I hear the expression, "I should...", "I need to...", "I ought to...". These are expressions of desire to accomplish that are laced with feelings of obligation. The question is, whose obligation is it? If I say, "I need to go home and rearrange my sock drawer.", What I really mean is that I feel "compelled" to do it or I feel a strong "desire" to do so. I do not "have to" however. My world will not collapse and I will not starve to death with a messy sock drawer. The difference the words create is enormous. By engaging my "compulsion", I retain the sense of choice. Now, rearranging my sock drawer is what I "choose" to do, not something I "should" do. The "should" connotes some third party extending a sense of obligation that is often unintended or is the application of some ancient parental motivation.

Other toxic expressions include "Yes but..." and, "can't". These expressions often precede a rationale to promote the idea of a self-imposed limitation that keeps us doing the same old things within self imposed boundaries according to what we think is "realistic" or "comfortable". This could be viewed as a way to keep us in the shackles of conforming behavior. Once again, this way of speaking takes the idea of choice out of the equation and limits us in unintended ways.

By choosing and using different language in our lives, we consciously allow ourselves to embrace other possibilities in our lives and open ourselves new things we had not considered. This benefits us enormously emotionally and eventually, financially as well. With that, I leave you with a question: How is your vocabulary?

My thanks to Ed Jacobson for his contributions to this article.